"I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky, and I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change... and breakaway."
My life over the past few months has been a compete blur.
I literally (yes, literally) feel as though I'm going through my life while the time is in fast-forward mode... all while carrying around a really giant (HEAVY, obviously) boulder.
Back in April I wrote about how I felt like all the weight would be lifting off soon. Well, I'm still telling myself that the weight will be gone soon. I also said I didn't want to go another four months without writing anything... I went five... Oops.
WELL: I want to say that won't happen again, but who really knows?
The quote that opened up my post is really going to be my post-grad motto I think.
Post grad.
Uhh...
So, this is actually happening.
This morning I was just sitting there & it actually hit me...
Come December, I will be done with not only my college career, but my educational career in general.
THAT IS SCARIEST THING EVER!
If you think about it, all that I've known for the past 17 years (including preschool & kindergarten) has been school.
Roughly 77% of my life has been school.
WHAT DO I DO NOW?!
Am I emotionally and mentally prepared for the "real world" that's supposedly to come?
Is it bad that I want to cry right now?
(And by want to, I mean actual tears are streaming down my face)
(And by want to, I mean actual tears are streaming down my face)
Not because I don't want to graduate, but because I literally don't know how to feel at all.
Is there a way I should feel? Because I don't know the answer to that.
And I don't think there's one right answer.
That's why I'm making that quote my motto!
I need to "spread my wings & learn how to fly."
I don't think life is something that can be taught.
Sure, we can be guided, but life needs to be experienced and learned on my own.
Scary.
I ALSO NEED TO ADMIT SOMETHING...
In 84 days I will be a college graduate and I still don't know "what I want to be when I grow up."
Which sort of makes me feel like a failure.
I know I haven't wasted my time in college, because I've learned more than I could have imaged learning, and I know I chose the right major, because I absolutely love it; however, I can't pick ONE job that I would absolutely love to have for the rest of my life.
I want to do everything!
And I think that's part of my problem.
The problem I don't know how to solve... and I feel like time is running out.
ALSO:
I just need to acknowledge the fact that I miss my grandma more than I can even handle (which might be the real reason that I'm crying... ) Because I don't want to believe any of it happened still... I know I'm in denial and that's not good, but I don't care.
**I'm going to give her a real post, which will be entirely dedicated to her... I'm still not emotionally prepared for that yet.
OKAY.
ASIDE FROM ALL THE STRESS & SADNESS:
This semester is kind of awesome :)
My classes are going well so far & I don't have too much senioritis.
I love all my classes & all of jobs & my support system getting me through it all is really stellar! :)
FOR THE NEXT 84 DAYS I AM GOING TO KEEP POWERING THROUGH!
I can do it!
HAPPY THURSDAY EVERYONE!
P.S. I'm going home for the weekend & I'm super pumped about it!
Which sort of makes me feel like a failure.
I know I haven't wasted my time in college, because I've learned more than I could have imaged learning, and I know I chose the right major, because I absolutely love it; however, I can't pick ONE job that I would absolutely love to have for the rest of my life.
I want to do everything!
And I think that's part of my problem.
The problem I don't know how to solve... and I feel like time is running out.
ALSO:
I just need to acknowledge the fact that I miss my grandma more than I can even handle (which might be the real reason that I'm crying... ) Because I don't want to believe any of it happened still... I know I'm in denial and that's not good, but I don't care.
**I'm going to give her a real post, which will be entirely dedicated to her... I'm still not emotionally prepared for that yet.
OKAY.
ASIDE FROM ALL THE STRESS & SADNESS:
This semester is kind of awesome :)
My classes are going well so far & I don't have too much senioritis.
I love all my classes & all of jobs & my support system getting me through it all is really stellar! :)
FOR THE NEXT 84 DAYS I AM GOING TO KEEP POWERING THROUGH!
I can do it!
HAPPY THURSDAY EVERYONE!
P.S. I'm going home for the weekend & I'm super pumped about it!
DITTO on all points! I hear you, LOUD AND CLEAR! So here's to trusting God's gonna get us to where we need to go! I have complete faith in His plan, even if I have no idea what mine is...its scary we've worked so hard to get where we are now and yet we realize that we really don't know any more than we used to "what we're supposed to do?" Yes we learned "how to do" many things but its the "what, where, when..." that really trip us up at this point. So TRUST. Jeremiah 29:11, look it up if you don't know it but its my mantra for this year. Love yours btw! <3 I miss grandma a ton too...sometimes it really hurts...but I feel her with me in the little things like brushing my hair, it reminds me how she used to sit us down in front of those huge mirrors in the bathroom upstairs and braid our hair, and sometimes I feel her presence around me. Its still hard and there will forever be a void, but I take comfort in my prayers and I know that she is already interceding for us from heaven. Love you lots and lots! Can't wait to read more! Keep up all the hard work!!! Can't believe you're almost done!!!! =)
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